the Making of the Mexico-LeBaron Mind
On August 21, 2001, I decided to place a long-overdue call to Colonia LeBaron, Galeana, Chihuahua, Mexico, to wish my orthodox-Mormon mother Esther LeBaron McDonald de Spencer a happy 80th birthday. It would be the last time I ever talked with her. But the conversation was revealing.
Although she had spent her life presenting herself to me and others as “the most perfect person on earth,” suddenly, during our conversation, my dementia-challenged parent expressed to me the morbid fear she might not make it to heaven! The thought she could end up in hell scared her half-to-death (Pun unintended).
What’s more , although I was fifty-five years old by then, and had abandoned, by 1966, the LeBaron cult she, herself, had once left for a few years, she still tried to dictate my life and what I believed!
Even worse, she hadn’t let up on consistently condemming me to hell just for being who I was. And for not letting her dominate me. And for not returning to Mormonism; i.e., her ridiculous, extremist religion she had chosen to return to—including her sanctimonious, self-righteous claim her dead brother Joel LeBaron was a “true prophet”— and the one mighty and strong! 
Sadly, after 35 years of having had little contact with my controlling, maniacal Ma, I still couldn’t communicate with her because she still hadn’t evolved enough to love me enough to quit riding my back and running/ruining my life.
Apparently, only she, not I, had the right to choose how my life was lived. Only SHE was wise enough to know and direct what I thought and what religion was right for me. In her mind, only she, my imperfect mother, had rights!
Her-way-or-the-highway was the ONLY way. In NO way could she respect and accept MY way! Nor love me as a unique being separate from herself—an individual just as worthy as she was. .
Do I detect narcissistic behavior/megalomania? The truth is, Mother, fearful of going to hell in the hereafter, was already in hell up to her eyeballs in the here-and-now; but couldn’t see it—although infernal flames threatened to “fool-y” engulf her.
Mom couldn’t/ wouldn’t see how Mormon fundamentalism is packed with hellish fears and foolish philosophies. Thank God, I had the courage by age twenty to see through and flee from the antiquated doctrines, lifestyle, and Bronze-age beliefs that created her hell on earth!
If only Mama could’ve realized
she was unique and special,
in and of herself….like everybody else:
We’re ALL caterpillars in metamorphosis
on our way to becoming beautiful
I, thankfully, learned this comforting concept along the way, while struggling to rebuild my life, garner greater self-esteem, and develop a new, sensible belief system after having overthrown the Mexico-LeBaron Fundy mindset I was born and bred on.
Having left “the saints” in 1966, it’s been upward-and-onward sailing ever since. Although my life hasn’t been smooth sailing (due to the ups-and-downs of overcoming my cult background) freedom from undue-mind-control and the right to make my own choices, and follow my own path, makes it all worth it.
I’m grateful, at age seventy-four, to still be surviving, thriving, and growing in countless ways. In a nutshell, I’m better off by far in my present world—otherwise, I would’ve returned, long since, to my Mormon-cult world of misinformation, ignorance, slavery, and fanatic-fundyism.
Nonetheless, with hindsight being the best sight,
I look back on my backward, boring, fundy-past’s site and observe:
Although I avoided the pitiful-pitfalls my immediate family and Mexico-LeBaron extended-family fell/have fallen into, I, nevertheless, have made my own mistakes. And have shortcomings they maybe didn’t/don’t have.
These are the breaks. Such is life. Nobody’s perfect.
We’re all about learning, as much as anything—learning by our own mistakes and experiences. So I close my comments with these comforting, conciliatory,
remarks from one of my all-time favorite Authors:
“Hang on to your hat,
Hold on to your hope,
And wind the clock;
Tomorrow’s a new day!”
E. B. White,
Stuart Little, and
The Trumpet of the Swan
(Continued March 12, 2020:
“Esther LeBaron Spencer
and Lesbian Love”)
. Melanie Klein:
Through the development of her own distinctive approach to psychoanalysis Klein inaugurated the school of psychoanalysis known as object relations theory, which places the mother–infant relationship at the center of personality development, and influenced the work of prominent psychologists like John Bowlby and Donald …