Pt 42-A:
Megalomania and the
Making of the Mexico-LeBaron Mind

Handsome Mexico-LeBarons Ervil, Joel, Verlan, Alma, and Floren

Somehow we learn who we really are
and then live with that decision.
Eleanor Roosevelt

I’ve long been on a quest to understand the making of the Mexico-LeBaron mind—its need to be number one, the best, in control of everyone—and always able to secure a gaggle of staunch Mormon fundamentalist followers, however small.

In the present on-going essay/blog, I’m perusing the phenomena wherein most of my immediate Mexico-LeBaron family’s thinking and behavior was—to differing degrees, depending on the family member—narcissistic, megalomaniacal, and maniacal. [1]

In today’s thread, I theorize that psycho-sociological settings besides epigenetics and mental illness helped Conflagrate/kindle and inflame the Mexico-LeBaron character; including its flagrant emotional immaturity, delusional thinking, and self-aggrandizement. I hypothesize that part of the historicity derives from their having been shame-based.

Shame is a mental toxin that leads to emotional instability—including pathological lying, non-self-acceptance, and not letting others in….all due to fear. [2]. Fear, part of the human survival arsenal, causes the reactive amygdala/”lizard brain” to kick in, take over, and build a protective shell.

In this state, the fearful think only about survival. But it’s a self-absorbed, shame-based, conflicted state—conflicted because it co-exists with the ego (which we all have) telling us we are, however much shame-based, the most important person in the world….at the same time the shame-based individual secretly believes everybody else in the world is better off and better than they.

This is one reason narcissists overlook other people’s needs and feelings: They believe they’re the only one lacking—the only deficient, needy, deprived person. Although they hide their feelings of inferiority, the inner contradictions cause an inferiority-superiority complex.

Not feeling good enough, not being acccepted as we are, leads to shame, non-self-acceptance, splitting from one’s authentic self, and loss of self-esteem. Humans can’t exist long feeling they aren’t loved, wanted, good enough; or are a threat to others.

When shamed and threatened by significant others, the authentic self /soul splits and withdraws to hide the real self under the floorboards or such. Then escapes into an act or dreamworld; wherein the person’s outer shell becomes the “perfect” child/ person; i.e., the opposite of what is rejected in them by others. [3]

Other consequences of the shame-based inferiority-superiority complex include self-doubt, envy, guilt, and self-hatred. Becoming shame-based begins in earliest childhood, instigated by negative experiences and abuse, including neglect and fanaticism. It ends in emotional diseases encompassing fabulizing, megalomania, and narcissism. [4]

[1]. Megalomania | Definition of Megalomania by Merriam-Webster › dictionary › megalomania

Definition of megalomania. 1 : a mania (see mania sense 2a) for great or grandiose performance; an outburst of wildly extravagant commercial megalomania — The Times Literary Supplement (London) 2 : a delusional mental illness that is marked by feelings of personal omnipotence and grandeur.

[2]. Healing the Shame that Binds You. 11.00 14.95. Toxic shame limits the development of self esteem and causes anxiety and depression, and limits our ability to be connected in relationships. This book is for those seeking the one great thing that is missing in their life–WHOLENESS and WELLBEING.

[3[– See “Drama of the Gifted Child,” by Alice Miller The Drama of the Gifted Child | Psychology Today)

[4]. Melanie Klein:
Through the development of her own distinctive approach to psychoanalysis Kleininaugurated the school of psychoanalysis known as object relations theory, which places the motherinfant relationship at the center of personality development, and influenced the work of prominent psychologists like John Bowlby and Donald … On sociopathy, etc.

  Pt 42-B:
Megalomania and the
Making of the Mexico-LeBaron Mind

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is 93eb7de6-ee6d-42c8-8711-36f495040696.jpg
Mexico-LeBarons Grandmother Maud, Floren, Joel, Verlan, and Ervil

A Rugged Constitutionalist:
A Fundamentalist Mormon
with a hard anti-government bent. 

Tell bleeding hearts that the
Southern Poverty Law Center
has listed the fundamentalists as a
White supremacist, homophobic,
antigovernment, totalitarian cult.” PLYG: Ed Kociela

In the previous blog, I discussed my Mexico-LeBaron extended-family’s narcissistic personality disorder; i.e., megalomania—their claim they were the number-one family in the world; even stood as God to the people.

Adding to this narcissistic personality disorder, they exhibited a superiority-inferiority complex. That is, they harbored hidden feelings that others were better than and better off than they. So projected their faults, persecution, and problems onto others and the devil. On the whole, however, they felt grateful for who and what they were and all they had—all God’s blessings.

In this essay, I list theories as to what caused the Mexico-LeBarons’ megalomania/ narcissism and other mental disorders. High on this list are heritable emotional diseases, living circumstances, immaturity, the human condition, one’s values—or lack thereof; lack of a good education, and lack of community support. [1]

But the Mexico-LeBarons’ being shame-based, social outcasts, and a threat to others was enough trauma, in and of itself, to affect their mental well-being. [2]

To survive socio-psychological trauma, including abuse and toxic shame, people may escape into a dreamworld, become the opposite of that in themselves they can’t live with. And the opposite of that about themselves they are told is unacceptable.

I believe the above and more happened in the making of the Mexico-LeBaron mind. Grandiosity, fabulating, etc., were self-preservation defense mechanisms that kicked in to help the gorgeous, gifted, emotionally challenged Mexico-LeBarons.

But their biography is even yet more convoluted. That is, other situations and circumstances also factored into the making of the Mexico-LeBaron mind; E.g., trials, tribulations, and atrocities added to the equation, upping the ante of their emotional distress and survival needs.

Also, adding to the equation were wretched, miss-guided, gut-wrenching values, including the belief they had to be perfect or were nothing, were lost, and were headed for hell. Perfectionism haunted the Mexico-LeBaron mind BIG time.

Further factoring into the equation were things such as ignorance, arrogance, backwardness, not believing in psychology nor modern-day research; isolation from the world, not realizing they had a shadow-self, lack of integrity, pride going before a fall—this and more also played a part in the equation creating the Mexico-LeBaron mind set.

[1]. › books › family-secrets-by-john-bra…
Family Secrets by John Bradshaw: 9780553374988 …

“What you don’t know can hurt you—but it can also lead to self-acceptance and healing. Family Secrets gives you the tools you need to understand…

[2] › Self Development › Parenting
Bradshaw On: The Family (Audiobook) by John Bradshaw … On sociopathy, etc.

Pt 42-C:
and the Making of the Mexico-LeBaron Mind

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Circa 1942: My mother Esther LeBaron McDonald de Spencer

Whatever we call the form–autobiography,
memoir, personal history, family history–
writing about one’s life is a powerful human need.

Writers are the custodians of memory,
and memories have a way of dying with their owner.

If it’s a family history,
it will have the further value of
telling your children and grandchildren
who they are what heritage they come from.
Trust the process,
and the product will take care of itself.

Writing About Your Life:
A Journey Into the Past
William Zinsser

Perfectionism—All-or-nothing thinking
helped form the Mexico-LeBaron mind.
It was my mother Esther LeBaron Spencer’s
biggest drawback.

She feared she wasn’t good enough—
wasn’t acceptable because she wasn’t perfect.
Yet, held a conflicting, narcissistic belief that she was perfect—
the greatest woman in the world, in fact—
and her immediate family was God’s chosen family in this dispensation.

Such mental conflicts created an inferiority-superiority complex.
I know: She raised me with her same values.
It was in Mama’s blind spot (as it was in mine, for many years)
that it made no difference whether or not we are perfect:
We wouldn’t be on Earth if we were perfect.

Despite the saintly posture
megalomaniacal Ma portrayed to the world,
she was actually a big bigot and hypocrite; e.g.,
she wasn’t all powerful and perfect!

When honest with herself, Ma knew it!
Faced with her frailties and failings,
she wasn’t equipped with the values needed
to qualm her conflicting realities.

Overwhelmed by troubles, trials, and mistakes,
sometimes mania could beset perfectionistic, hypervigilant Ma.
Then her life could take a tailspin and spin out of control
into despair, helplessness, and hopelessness.

Fortunately, she had redeeming qualities
that helped bounce her back after bipolar breaks;
e.g., she stayed in good with her oldest daughter Doris
who could nurse her back to health.

Mother’s Higher Power was there, also,
come hell or highwater,
always enabling her to regain self-control,
once the split spent itself—
proving her oft’ quoted proverb:
Life is not to the swift nor the strong,
but to those who endure to the end.

[1]. › wiki › Maslow’s_hierarchy_of_needs
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – Wikipedia

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a theory in psychology proposed by Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper “A Theory of Human Motivation” in Psychological ..



[3]. In 1912, Alfred Adler founded the Society of Individual Psychology. Adler’s theory suggested that every person has a sense of inferiority. From childhood, people work toward overcoming this inferiority by asserting their superiority over others.Open publish panel

Part 42-D:
and the Making of
the Mexico-LeBaron Mind

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is 820028be-9f6c-4303-b8e6-5e63975c55ff.jpg
Circa 1964: My mother Esther LeBaron Spencer

Leaving a cult is a lot like
driving at night with your headlights on:
You may only see a few feet in front of you,
but you can make the whole journey that way.
Stephany SpencerLeBaron
(Takeoff from E. L. Doctorow):

“Writing a novel is like driving a car at night.
You can only see as far as your headlights,
but you can make the whole trip that way.

“You don’t have to see where you’re going;
you don’t have to see your destination
or everything you will pass along the way.
You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you.”
E. L. Doctorow: *

* “This is right up there with the best advice
on writing–or life–I have ever heard.”
Anne Lamott: Bird by Bird:
Some Instructions on Writing and Life

Reiterating part of the theme in my previous blog, Mama couldn’t handle not being “the best,” “most perfect,” and “greatest woman” she fantasized she was—the greatest woman in the world. (That sure left me and her other nine daughters out to dry; not to mention her sisters and mother—my grandmother Maud, LOL!)

As I stated in the last blog, at times, shame, guilt, facing reality, or losing her fabulized identity sent fanatic Ma off the deep end. It was too much for her to be other than the perfect, all-powerful person she fabricated herself to be. [1]

Caught in black-or-white, all-or-nothing thinking, Mom believed she needed to be perfectlyperfect in order to be acceptable; otherwise, she was lost/ no good/ a nobody. She lacked concepts necessary to think otherwise. [2]

It wasn’t in Mama’s religious indoctrination and understanding that we’re only here to grow, learn, and develop. In other words, like all of us, she didn’t know how much she didn’t know. Didn’t know she didn’t have to be perfect, control others, nor out-do others.

Didn’t know she didn’t have to be the best. Didn’t have to be somebody other than herself, e.g., “the queen,” in order to be loved, accepted, respected—and “go to heaven.”

Mama never knew she didn’t have to be in control of everyone and everything. She only had to love and accept herself…just as she was. To her, “loving herself” seemed wicked, worldly, and altogether selfish! She was raised to believe God wanted us to be selfless; i.e., to only think of others.

She was in denial about the fact that she wasn’t “selfless.”
Nor did she know loving and accepting herself as she was, was all the Higher Power expects!

God—whatever your understanding of God-–doesn’t expect us to be perfect. No human should expect it, either! Still, Mom believed perfection was all that was acceptable. Everything else was in her blindspot.

It took more integrity than Mother could muster to face the reality of who and what she was. It was easier to live in a dreamworld. “But for the grace of God, there go I.”

Part 42-E:
Megalomania and
the Making of the Mexico-LeBaron Mind

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is short-creek-raid-mom-with-kids.jpg
1953 Short Creek, Arizona Raid:
My Mormon fundy mummy Esther LeBaron Spencer
under arrest
her seven barefoot urchins in the forefront—plus another past-due in her tummy
(Courtesy of Utah Historical Society)

Men occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of them pick themselves up
and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.
Sir Winston Churchill

On August 21, 2001, I placed a long-overdue call to Colonia LeBaron, Galeana, Chihuahua, Mexico, to wish my orthodox-Mormon mother Esther LeBaron McDonald de Spencer a happy 80th birthday. It would be the last time I ever talked to her. But the conversation was worth it and revealing.

Although she had spent her life presenting herself to me and others as “the most perfect person on earth,” suddenly, during our Long-distance phone conversation, dementia-challenged Mother expressed her morbid fear she might not make it to heaven! The thought she could end up in hell scared her half-to-death (Pun unintended).

What’s more , though I was fifty-five years old by then, and had abandoned by 1966 the LeBaron cult she, herself, had once left for a few years (then returned to), she still tried to dictate my life and what I believed!

Even worse, she hadn’t let up on consistently condemming me to hell just for being who I was. And for not letting her dominate me.

And for not returning to Mormonism; i.e., her ridiculous, extremist religion she chose to return to—including her sanctimonious, self-righteous claim her dead brother Joel LeBaron was a “true prophet”— the one mighty and strong! (She basked in the glow of this self-proclaimed glory and power.)

Sadly, after 35 years of having had little contact with controlling, maniacal Ma, I still couldn’t communicate with her. She still hadn’t evolved enough to love me enough to quit riding my back; running and ruining my life.

Apparently, only she, not I, had the right to choose how my life was lived. Only SHE was wise enough to know and direct what I thought and what religion was right for me. Only SHE, imperfect Mom, had rights!

Her-way-or-the-highway was the ONLY way. In NO way could Mom respect and accept MY way! Nor love me as a unique being separate from her narcissistic/ megalomaniacal self—an individual as worthy as she.

But the truth is, Mother, fearful of going to hell, was already in hell up to her eyeballs, but couldn’t see it—though infernal flames threatened to fool-ie engulf her.

Mom couldn’t/ wouldn’t see how Mormon fundamentalism is packed with hellish fears and foolish philosophies. Thank God, I had the courage by age twenty to see through and flee from the antiquated doctrines, lifestyle, and Bronze-age beliefs that created her hell on earth!

If only Mama could’ve realized
she was unique and special,
in and of herself….like everybody else:
We’re ALL caterpillars in metamorphosis
on our way to becoming beautiful
Monarch butterflies.

Thankfully, I learned this comforting concept along the way, while struggling to rebuild my life, garner greater self-esteem, and develop a new, sensible belief system after having overthrown the Mexico-LeBaron Fundy mindset I was born and bred on.

Having left “the saints” in 1966, it’s been upward-and-onward sailing ever since. Although my life hasn’t been smooth sailing (due to the ups-and-downs of overcoming my cult background), freedom from undue-mind-control and the right to make my own choices, and follow my own path, makes it all worth it.

I’m grateful, at age seventy-four, to still be surviving, thriving, and growing in countless ways. In a nutshell, I’m better off by far in my present world—otherwise, I would’ve returned, long since, to my Mormon-cult world of misinformation, ignorance, slavery, and fanatic-fundyism.

Nonetheless, with hindsight being the best sight,
I look back on my backward, boring, fundy-past’s site and observe:
Although I avoided the pitiful-pitfalls my immediate family and Mexico-LeBaron extended-family fell/have fallen into, I, nevertheless, have made my own mistakes. And have shortcomings they maybe didn’t/don’t have.
These are the breaks. Such is life. Nobody’s perfect.
We’re all about learning—learning by our mistakes and experiences.

In closing, I leave you with the following comforting, conciliatory, comments made by one of my all-time favorite Authors, E. B. White, Author of:
Charlotte’s Web,
Stuart Little, and
The Trumpet of the Swan:

“Hang on to your hat,
Hold on to your hope,
And wind the clock;
Tomorrow’s a new day!”

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